Covid19 and Relationships

Originally, I was thinking about how Covid19 has affected many people's understanding of their relationship to the world.  There are more realizing the interaction that we have with nature, and that it is not just the dominance of humankind as many had thought before.  But Covid19 has affected all relationships, and probably more of us are spending close time with our immediate family.  A lot of us are thinking about our friends and how much we are looking forward to spending time with them again.  Perhaps some are missing going to the store, especially us Americans.

One of the things we probably think the least about though is our relationship with life.  This week, Wisconsin Public Radio's program Chapter A Day has been reading Henry David Thoreau's Walden.  There was a man who pondered the meaning of life all the time.  And someone who tried to live it to the fullest.  He also understood that our meaning of life was uniquely independent and wouldn't begin to suggest he understood what your meaning was but only suggest you don't just go about living your life in the mold that your family and society have crafted for you.

Another idea about our relationship with life which recently caught my attention was a Vox article about China and wet markets.  It's a great article and I highly encourage people to read it.  The pictures alone give a great deal of understanding to wet markets and why understanding them are difficult.  In particular though was one man's comment about the wet market which really struck home with me.  It was the comment that wet markets are what helped produce color in his life, because otherwise it was a life stuck in the office full of the stagnant behavior one finds in most offices, with little meaning other than to get the job done, and that that meaning is more important than the meaning of your life. 

So it is wishful thinking I know.  Some say that Covid19 will change the world.  From what I've seen of people, most will go back to living life as close to normal as possible once the restrictions are let down.  But I hope that at least a few more will use the opportunities learned from this experience to live their life more uniquely. 

Emotions and Immigration

Immigration has become a very personal issue for me.  I've tried to get my wife and son to immigrate to the USA legally in 2014 after my daughter was born.  We ran into a huge roadblock of my not being able to prove financially secure enough to support my family and being unable to find a joint sponsor who made enough.  That attempt went down the drain.  I spent a few more years teaching English in China.  Then my grandmother's health appeared to me to be getting to the point where she wouldn't be around much longer and the economy in the USA appeared strong enough to offer me a enough job to begin the immigration process with me being the financial sponsor.  About six months after returning to the USA, I filed the I-130 for my wife and son.  A few weeks later my grandmother died.

It has now been a year since I began the immigration process for the second time.  Lots has happened.  It took six months for the petition to be approved.  It then took nearly a month for USCIS to receive all the paperwork and begin the processes for setting up an interview before deciding on a visa.  All the paperwork I originally submitted for the petition had to be resubmitted to USCIS along with documentation showing my ability to financially support my family.  Around early June, USCIS told me that despite my making $16.50 an hour full-time, I did not meet the minimum financial requirements.  Perhaps it was because I had not worked an entire year and the taxes I filed therefore did not meet those requirements but when you broke the numbers down, I did meet them.  So we began the process of finding a financial sponsor.  Many people were afraid.  Why?  Because they'd be locked into a ten year contract that if my wife and/or son took welfare that the sponsor would be responsible.  About a month went by but finally someone did offer to become a joint sponsor.  Ironically, it was a naturalized citizen ie, someone who had immigrated and became a US citizen.  We submitted the paperwork during which time USCIS then told me the marriage certificate wasn't valid.  After doing a lot of research, consulting with two immigration lawyers, and finally with USCIS agents in their call center I realized it didn't meet the requirements as outlined on the website
to meet reciprocity on translations of Chinese marriage certificates.  To me, it ultimately looked like a way to force me into paying more money.  I had gotten a translation of the Chinese marriage certificate through an online translation agency along with their guarantee of authenticity.  The reciprocity agreements demanded by USCIS wanted the translation then given to an authority in China who would again verify the authenticity, producing another document.  During this whole situation, the most ironic thing was that when submitting the marriage certificate translation for my wife it was approved but for my son it wasn't.  And DHS felt it was good enough for approval of the I-130 petition.
We did finally have all documents approved about two weeks ago (around August 14, 2019).  They'll now begin scheduling of an interview at the Embassy in Moscow.  Since we heard that the documents have all qualified though, nothing else has been communicated.  Everything takes weeks.  When you've been apart from your family for 18 months, days tear you apart.  Originally I marked days off on the calendar thinking to myself we were one day closer to being together.  Now I have marked days off thinking it is one more day apart.  A huge shift in thinking even if it seems so subtle a difference.  Before I thought it was only a matter of time until we would be together.  Now, I think what else could happen to slow the process down and possibly even make it so that we cannot be together?

So what does this all have to do with emotions?  Immigration is a very emotional issue.  I've given you my story in part to understand why it effects me emotionally.  My wife and son have been separated from my daughter and me for 18 months and going.  My wife and I have been married for 8 years, 7 of them spent in China.  We've established a life together.  We've had a child together.  We've been raising a family together.  Why can't there be a legal process which allows us to continue doing those things together as the proceedings continue?  It's inhumane absurdities such as this which causes people who have less to loose to take more drastic measures: immigrate illegally.  Through this whole process, I have to admit I wish I had done things differently, I wish that I had taken advantage of the more gray areas so that we have not had to be apart for so long.  Having experiences like this makes one loose faith in their government, and the society in which one lives.

Immigration is a sensitive topic which doesn't get enough discussion because I believe it is one which highlights many of the flaws within the USA.  We claim to be a country of liberty and justice.  There has been nothing liberating or just about this process.  When going through immigration proceedings, what is just about keeping a family apart for 18 months?  The system needs to be balanced and fair.  In following articles, I intend to discuss some of the issues with the immigration system, and how politics unfairly uses those issues to prey on us rhetorically .

The battle of winter and summer

Recently, my daughter and I have been watching a Netflix series called "Tales from Arcadia: Trollhunters" by Guillermo del Toro.  It's fascinating, full of mixtures of different fairy tales and folklore.  I even saw the name Baba Yiga tossed in there which tickled my funny bone since my wife is Russian and I heard lots about Baba Yiga over the years.  Learning a new story for a kid always involves reenactment of the story, and since I'm the only one around who is able to play with her, I get to reenact it with her.  As always is the case, the story involves our own personal twists.  My daughter has been enthralled by the movie Frozen and probably was influenced by this in making the decision that instead of being in command of the sun, she would be in command of the ice.  And naturally, I had to be in command of the opposite of ice, which was fire.

This choice of opposites quickly reminded me of the Norse Muspell and Niflheim.  The void between these two places was called Gunnungagap and it was here, where the battle between ice and fire gave birth to life.  Having lived in Northeastern Minnesota for nearly two thirds of my adult life, I'm quite familiar with this battle between hot and cold.  The battle results in the formation of abundant water and the quick destruction of roads.

Today, this all took on a greater meaning for me.  All of existence is conflict.  It is the story of the world every where we look.  The cycle of the seasons is a battle between summer and winter, which corresponds with a battle between the light and the dark.  A twenty-four hour period is a battle between the light and the dark, the strength of which corresponds with the season and our location upon the earth. 

We exist.  And if we are to exist, we must come to an appreciation of this conflict, and use it to our advantage.  Many things do so.  The winter months are a time of rest for many.  Trees lose their leaves, store energy in their roots and wait.  These cold days of rest provide the opportunity for apple trees to produce apples for example, requiring a number of hours of temperatures below 45 degrees Fahrenheit just so they can produce apples.  Bears take the opportunity to rest, and give birth. 

On a daily basis, many use the hours of light and dark to benefit their needs.  In more temperate climates, hours of light are used to create while hours of dark are used to rest.  In hot climates, the hours of dusk and dawn are often used to create while the darkest and most light hours are used for rest. 

While plants spend much of the spring and summer months growing, a great many take this abundance of energy to consume plants for their energy needs.  And so down the line does the taking advantage go.  Some really take advantage of these opportunities by storing energy for later use.  Some great examples of this are the many rodents who store seeds for the winter months.  And those who produce alcohol..

This battle is both infinitely small, and infinitely large.  We can see the battle under petri dishes, and we can see it over scales of time.  Civilizations come and go because of this conflict.  Their period of relative light, or darkness, is countered by the opposite period.  And if the civilization in question hasn't learned to recognize that there are periods of growth countered with periods of rest, then they have doomed themselves.  In the great words from the motto of the Stark family in Game of Thrones: "Winter is coming."

American Civil War 2.0: The Media

Ironically enough, Russia Today beat me to the punch. One of the biggest reasons we could come to civil war in the USA is if people become so divided that they no longer are able to talk. During the election campaign in 2016, we heard plenty of stories of people unable to have Thanksgiving with their families because of the division present even then. It's been two, going on three years since then and one place you never stop hearing about how unfair it was, or just constantly taking jabs at Trump is through the media.

Nearly every time I turn on NPR in the car, look at news on the web, or check the major media outlets I am almost instantly bombarded with some news about how Trump is the worst president ever and how he is passing some legislation which is going to ruin our lives. The facts speak for themselves. More people are working. We haven't gotten involved in any military conflicts overseas. Overdoses seem to be going down. He, President Trump, is doing some much needed good. Some much needed good that neither a typical Republican nor Democratic nominee could have or would have. He does counter the good with a lot of stupidity, or narcissism. Not to necessarily defend him, but that is the American way.

The main, and important thing to realize, is we are being pitted against each other. The media especially is preying on people's emotions. Typical emotional response is either fight or flight. With things getting broken down into binary fashion, people are forgetting there is a middle ground. This is the commons. It's where common sense comes from. It is where compromise exists. As individuals within this country, we need to defend that ability and that option to meet on a common ground. A huge part of that defense means building up some resilience to the information wars we are exposed to. We'll delve into that next week!

American Civil War: 2.0

The first American Civil War happened because the nation was forced into making decisions which divided them. The same thing is happening right now. There are calls from both Democrats and Republicans that you are either for or against. You are for gun rights, or against gun rights. You are for hate, or against hate. You are for life, or against life. You are for the nation, or against the nation. Making all these binary choices fragments our society. It moves people closer to a binary choice of I am for this side, or against this side. And that is how strife erupts.

Let's take for example the American Civil War. T.R. Fehrenbach writes in Lone Star:A History of Texas and The Texans in chapter 18 Secession that the political crisis brewing in America at the time was based on social and economic reasons. “The real enemy of the North was Southern political power, insisting upon the strictest construction of the Constitution in a defense of states' rights that hindered and hamstrung industrialism and infuriated Eastern bankers, railroad magnates, and manufacturers. The true enemy of the South was industrialism itself, which threatened its agriculture with a worse colonialism..” He further writes “the two sections, doing what came naturally, had built two quite different societies”. Here a prime example of deep social divide existing based largely on lifestyles is described. It's hard not to see that current in modern grievances with a group of people demanding free, or affordable, higher education and healthcare. They often are the same group demanding that hatred and intolerance is growing in the country and that it is the result of instigation by the President Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence, and all of their red MAGA cap wearing supporters, which are “all redneck white males”.

T.R. Fehrenbach continues that “With genuine economic and political grievances against each other, the Northern states and the South found their flashpoint in the question of Negro slavery. The Negro question made the states' rights question so crucial and violent. The South insisted upon states' rights to maintain the status quo, which the North was increasingly determined to alter.” Those economic and political grievances are mounting. The disparity between have's and have nots is growing. Many have nots feel they have no political voice. Legislation is being brought up to make changes to how the Electoral College works.  A recent NPR article about the Popular Vote Movement contains the quote from Seth Masket that "the status quo is unacceptable," he said. "This might not be the best way of changing it, but it's at least a way of forcing some change and forcing some discussion of it." Lines are being drawn. People are demanding change, often demanding it being changed immediately.

Does that mean Civil War is inevitable? There is still opportunity for people to discuss and bridge the divide. It will take willing ears and a lot of compromise. But the opportunity for a flashpoint exists, one which could firmly cement lines and division. We'll discuss next week how to identify these pitfalls and how to develop some resilience against reacting in a way with the flashpoints which could lead to further division.

Make America Great Again

A simple statement.  Make America Great Again.  It simple implies that people want America to return to greatness.  It also implies that America is suffering.  How can the average American take offense to that?  Do you take offense that people believe that the quality of life in America is suffering?  I'm not even 40 years old yet but I can see a country which has fallen in it's greatness.  The signs of decay are everywhere.  Our infrastructure is a mess.  Jobs are hard to come by and it's even harder to find a job which will provide enough to raise a family, have a house to live in, and save up.  Those weren't as common concerns prior to the 90s.

Since then things have steadily gone downhill.  Not for everyone mind you.  This chart gives a good impression of unemployment over the years.  It actually looks like since the mid 70s things have been tough.  Between those who lived in better times, and those who have only read about them, times now just don't seem as great.  It'd be interesting to see how many people were entrepreneurs over the years.  My gut tells me people felt more comfortable taking the risk to start a business before but feel much less so now.  This is supposed to be a land of liberty, freedom, and the pursuit of happiness.  A huge part of that involves feeling comfortable enough to take the risk to be your own master.   

Today, more and more people are wanting the government to be their master.  They want the government to pay for, or provide, lots of their daily needs, as if they are rights.  They want the government to give them jobs.  They want the government to regulate and decide what is right and wrong.  The problem with that, is right and wrong are up for interpretation, which is ultimately influenced by bias.  That in turn makes people feel more at risk.  Why?  Because, who is to say that the hard work you put into developing your business may not be taken away because of some bias lawmaker.  And then your opportunity to recover after that failure is less likely because there are less jobs.

So America certainly needs a return to this greatness.  The greatness that once existed.  Look to historical examples in the late 1800s and early 1900s.  People and families who often felt secure enough to take risk after risk but never felt that they'd be unable to put food on the table for the family.

Why else might people take offense to the simple phrase Make America Great Again?  Might it be simply because the connection between that phrase and our current president, President Trump?  I'd definitely say so.  As 10 minutes listening to the radio, watching TV, or just skimming headlines can tell you, he's not befriended by the status quo.  As I've already pointed out though, many people have good reason to not be happy with the status quo and for wanting change. 

What may then be hard for a lot of people to understand is that people wearing those MAGA hats, people who believe in Making America Great Again may not necessarily be firm Trump supporters.  They may just be people who realize something real needs to change so that there is opportunity for America to be great again. 

The Voyageur Institute/The Ranger School

Trees.  Plants.  Animals.  Flora.  Fauna.  Outdoors.  Nature.  Those things are not us, right? 

It seems that we live a life not connected with nature.  Our cities exist with a plentitude of buildings, streets, houses, and sidewalks but a very small amount of parks.  On a much grander scale though, the Earth and natural environments are the place where we exist and we've made bubbles within that macro environment.  We've made bubbles seemingly cut off. 

Cut off from the womb.  Cut off from the place which bore us.  Which provided for us.  Our civilization would not exist if it weren't for the resources which we've pillaged from the earth.  Our civilization would not exist if it weren't for the knowledge and wisdom gleaned from natural functions developing life.  Just like our civilization would not exist if not for the hard work and ingenuity of those before us.  The ground was tilled and planted and found fertile.  What shall we reap?  What shall be our harvest?

That's up to us.  We have many great examples to help guide us.  But we need some modern heroes.  People who are willing to do something different.  People who are willing to walk the road not taken, because that's what makes the difference.  We need people who aren't going to sit in front of the television/entertainment device all day.  We need people who aren't going to walk staring at their smart phone.  We need people who aren't going to buy their way out of the hole that's been dug but instead people who are willing to get muddy and banged up. 

We need people like Brad "Darby" Kittel from Tiny Texas Houses.  We need people like Brett McKay of  The Art of Manliness.  We need people like John Michael Greer of Ecosophia.  We need people who are willing to walk the talk.  People who make changes by being the changes.  Modern day Gandhis. 

Modern day people willing to make peace with living the change they want to see.  One of the biggest changes I want to see is more respect and communion with nature.  We've got some great examples from the past providing some headway into being in harmony with nature.  John Muir.  Henry David Thoreau.  Ernest Thompson Seton.  Aldo Leopold.  Sigurd Olson. 

What I'd personally like to start working towards over the next year is to lay the groundwork to start developing some nature organizations similar to the Woodcraft League.  Organizations which would both encourage and help people to get outside and develop a healthy relationship with the world from whence we came.  Would you like to help me or get involved somehow?  Post a comment!

The Perfect Place to Live

I spend a lot of time thinking about and researching the perfect place to live.  I've learned a lot about different ecosystems and gotten very familiar with the geography of not only the USA but various other places around the world.  Occasionally, the knowledge can be fun to share in conversation with others.  Overall though, it's been a complete waste of my time and life.  Sometimes wanting to find a perfect place consumes me.  What places have houses available that are affordable.  What places have schools I want my children to go to.  What places have a climate that I would enjoy.  What places will have snow during the winter holidays.  What places have mountains.  What places will offer the best opportunities for my children in the future. 

Place certainly is important.  It has a lot of impact on a person and their future self.  But what is perhaps more important than that is what you're doing with your life right now.  What skills are you trying to learn.  What are you practicing.  What are you developing.  What are you cultivating.  What are you learning.  What are you experiencing. 

With those things in mind, picking a place which imbues you with the energy to achieve the things you are interested in makes a lot of sense.  You get energy from your environment.  And it can be cyclical.  Areas that have longer winters may mean less energy in the winter and more in the summer.  Personally, I've been someone better with consistency, with fewer changes day after day.  Having a nice rest for a week or two is great, but a long winter is hard on me.  The same goes for short days and long nights, or long days and short nights.  I prefer more balance. 

Ultimately, I know I need to move somewhere to a place which is going to give me what I am looking for, a place which is easy to get outside in, to grow food and plants, to create parks, and opportunities for more time outdoors.  And more importantly, I just need to enjoy and make the best out of what I currently have.

Immigration

Somehow, immigration in this country, the USA, needs to be changed.  The world has become more globalized, due to the prior policies of the USA.  Citizens are all across the globe, and often leave their family members all across the globe.

My example is such.  I met my wife-to-be on the Internet.  A Russian studying Chinese in China.  After visiting her for two weeks and seeing the opportunity to find work, I gave my two weeks notice and came back to stay.  We lived together for 7 years in China and started a new family.

The single biggest reason that we never came to the USA during that time was the immigration process.  During those seven years, my jobs were all for Chinese companies.  I was unable to show the ability to financially support my family, despite the fact that since I was 18 I had been working, and thus had a history of showing I'd find a way to make ends meet.

So I was in a catch 22.  Stay working in China to keep my family together would not allow me the opportunity to find the gainful employment I needed in America to bring my family there.  The only option was to separate my family as I found work in the USA, then begin the immigration process.

After seven years, I finally tried it.  Now, anyone who has been together for seven years, who has gone through those ups and downs of being together and raising a family together, they've pretty well established that the basis for their relationship is not to take advantage of a system or a government.  I don't see why it is so god damned hard or necessary to keep a family separated for a year or longer.  What information will be found to detract from the meaning of this establishment the family is united under?

Unfortunately, the US immigration policies don't care.  The members of our government don't seem to care.  I implored my Democratic senator, Amy Klobuchar, for help in reuniting my family sooner.  This was the response.

Not very helpful.  And the reasoning USCIS gave was poor.  Humanitarian.  What does that mean anyways?  From Google:

 hu·man·i·tar·i·an/(h)yo͞oˌmanəˈterēən/
adjective1.
concerned with or seeking to promote human welfare.
"groups sending humanitarian aid"

synonyms:

compassionate, humane;  unselfish, altruistic, generous, magnanimous, benevolent, merciful, kind, sympathetic "a humanitarian act" charitable, philanthropic, public-spirited, socially concerned, welfare; rareeleemosynary "a humanitarian organization"

Geez.. so there was nothing humanitarian in my request to reunite my family in a timely manner? In the meantime, my step-son is having issues finding a proper education and my wife is having trouble finding a place to live resulting in them floating back and forth between Vladivostok, Russia and Dalian, China. They lack access to adequate healthcare over there yet I have a job which would provide health insurance for all my family once they are here in the USA. And then my son could have access to a more stable education. Color me stupid but forcing them to continue separated from their father and husband, and my daughter who is here in the USA with me, that is very humane.

This is the sort of garbage that gets my blood boiling. And just to set matters straight, I did try to bring my family here once in 2014 but had the petition withdrawn because I was unable to prove the ability to financially support my family in the USA. There's a case number and everything for it. I'm not sure why the process couldn't be started from there or at least sped up a little. All the casework had been done before.

Not Too Different from Animals

I was walking through a supermarket this morning in a hurry.. I was weaving in and out of people but contained.. contained within a path.  It dawned on me we were all being herded along paths, from one shop to another, until eventually we arrived to our dormitory for rest.  How is this any different than the domesticated animals being herded from one pasture to another, until eventually they are brought to their barn?  Or even many undomesticated animals, such as rabbits and deers, running so often over one area that the grass is worn away and a path is worn in. 

Our modern lifestyle has us moving from one place to another, all over well defined paths, and even to some extent schedules, all seeming as if we are just pawns being moved from above.  It is no wonder that so many people feel we are just objects, part of some peoples greater plan for world domination.  It is no wonder there are so many conspiracies.  And it is no wonder that there is so much hatred, yet so little action to make things better.

Late nite ramblings..

The start of a poem that keeps beginning - maybe I'll have to wait till I've walked these streets the four seasons for it to complete.. any suggestions would be appreciated!

The Cathedral of the Maples

I walk your aisles often, ever
in awe of the beauty and majesty
Of your ancient wisdom, it's strength
Forever growing, limbs in praise
Of the sun, but the branches bow gracefully
In reverence towards the earth.

The holy water - stored in your rays
Rich with sucrose, stored for the
Celebration of your rebirth each
Spring after your winter of rest, milked
From your trunk as the first fruits
A gift - a gift from the gods.

...
Also, an irony that I noticed, my last post so many months ago about a living history, and inadvertently I've begun to do just that as I assist with the production of End of the Road Ventures. Much history of the area is being recorded and presented this way. It's a blessing to be a part of it, even though I often dread the extra hours of work this steals away from my life!
...
For Jean, you told me to update things after my "bit of bitching" post .. well, I've managed to pay off a good portion of the debt I was in, plus paid off my vehicle just a month ago. Things are certainly looking better in that avenue :)

The Living History

It really struck me just how much so we are living history right now. Not that I am saying we at a turning point in history, even though honestly I feel like I do.. but the point is, all of us, worldwide, are living in history as it is unfolding, regardless of the outcome. Many of us feel that we are going to have no impact on it. And when we look back at the way history is currently written, there are few names out of the billions of people who have lived that are remembered.

But you know what... we live in a fascinating time. We live in a time where everyone has the a voice or the potential to voice themselves. It is more and more difficult for organizations to prevent us from saying what has truly happened. And I think this is wonderful. And I think it needs to be documented.. in your voice, by your hand.

We really are doing this too, to an extent that has never before been seen. So many people with blogs and videos that are easily accessible to anyone from anywhere (think of blogspot and youtube for instance..)

Really, what more could a person contribute to this? Individually, we can all we want :) ... I'm pondering the idea of going around to various parts of the world (in part just because I want to travel) but to have people tell me their individual histories, their perspective on life, on what is happening around them, how they feel.. and to do it completely unedited and with very little to perhaps even no narration. I wouldn't want my influence in the documentation other than just the fact that I am doing it.

So.. is this a good idea? Am I being silly? If a person were to do something like this, how would you go about getting funding? That's the only problem I can envision...

Wild and Scenic Environmental Film Festival

I had the opportunity to enjoy the Wild and Scenic Environmental Film Festival tonite in Ely, Minnesota. I'm glad that I went but want to note a few things before I forget my thoughts.

• There were very, very few people my age (28). Most were older, mid 40s and on.
• Probably one of the best films at expressing everything was the first one - The Good Life Parable: An MBA Meets a Fisherman.
• Diversity.. Diversity.. Diversity. That's what I kept thinking. Diversity strengthens us. But my thoughts have reached a new level of diversity: diversity of humanity. I need to expand upon this thought, perhaps in a later blog entry.
• Science.. science is the business of nature. Keep this in mind. I keep hearing and seeing how science is going to solve all of our problems. Science is man trying to put a logical understanding upon nature. Fuck that. Nature is something you just feel, something you just know. It is a part of us all - nature is diversity. There is no right answer, there are many different ways of getting to the same path.
  

Diversity

Diversity is something I keep hearing of a lot, especially in regards to nature. It's really important. Diversity helps life in general to continue. There is a strength in not being like everything else. It makes you better able to exist in various conditions, especially when there is a virus/disease/plague because these things latch onto similarity, in fact require some similarity in order to make that next step.

Here's the kicker though.. we shun anything that is different, perhaps even are prejudiced against differences. Look at mankinds history: it is plagued with hatred of those who were different, whether different was of a differing religion, race, and opinion.

Our hatred for difference is most strikingly evident in the way we conduct our society.. everything has become mechanized for speed and mass production. Everything created the same or very similar. Eventually, maybe we will all have the same things materially. But when we are all 'equal', will we be happy? Will we be complete? Will we even be content?

No. We will never be even near happy until we can accept that we are all different and that our uniquenesses makes us special, both individually and as a collective whole. We can work together but we must respect together.

Here, Here. To strength in collective diversity.

Turning off the brain..

It dawned on me last nite: for the past two and a half years, I've turned my brain off. Just numbed myself, or withdrawn, from nearly everything going on around me with exception of a few minor things.. that being eating/drinking, and attempting to pay my bills.

Life has been mechanical with the exception of the few times I was able to free myself from the prison I've placed myself in. Get up, out of bed (which is probably one of the hardest parts), attend school or work, come home, do very little until eventually I become so tired that I cannot keep my eyes open. Yes, I have read a fair bit, especially deeper, more spiritual text. And yes, the past two years I've probably been on a more regimented cycle of exercise then ever before. But again, much of it was mechanical.

Ask me what I've read ... it's difficult to tell you. Ask me what happened on a day to day basis ... I cannot tell you. Ask me even what friends said about this or that... I've tuned most all of it out.

Why? For certain it was triggered from the assault I suffered. Maybe the emotional pain, the not understanding of why, was so bad that I have given up.. but I refuse that. Maybe I have given up for awhile. But the pain of not truly living is far worse.

And I hate not living, I hate being a machine. The machine I see clearly now. It is more than anything encouraged by this society. Employers have loved me, not asking questions, just doing, just accomplishing things and making them money. But the people closest, my family and friends (what friends I have) ... they are concerned. Perhaps they think I do not see it, but as much as I try to tune out, many things still come across. The spirit is strong and provides a way to communicate when neither words nor actions are capable of reaching..

I have much work to do.. but thank you, Martín Prechtel, Immortal Technique, Saul Williams... the spirit reached me. The brain is turning back on.

A bit of bitching

It's rare I bother to bitch about things, especially of late. We all have problems and they are becoming more and more prevalent. You turn on the news and are bombarded by problems. Drama comes at us from every angle.

But sometimes, you just get terribly angry and the emotion just consumes you. And so, it must be released. I know the likelihood of anyone reading this is nil, but this way at least it has been released from my head and into a bunch of digital bits.

So here it is: First, I have admittedly been fiscally irresponsible. The debt I accrued is mine, and mine alone to pay off. And it is my desire to be honorable. On the same token, I hate to be made a slave of, to be expected to not eat and not take care of myself as that debt is paid off. Unfortunately, that is precisely what the collectors expect of me.

Thursday nite, January 29th, I was terribly insulted by the manager of a debt collection agency working for Bank of America. I owe them a lot of money. I haven't paid anything on it in six months. It is certainly my intention to do so, but when I was working only part time while driving 100 miles a day, how am I expected to make payments? Especially while I have car payments. At that time, my car was much more a priority than the other debts.

So now it is six months later. The economy is crashing, the corporate loving Bush Administration is gone, and these guys are fearful I will never pay them back. So, they pull all their cards. Now, if I do not pay them off, in full, by the end of the month (and bare in the mind, this is January 29th) then I will be taken to court. The courts will likely favor them, as admittedly I do owe them money. My car will likely be taken away AND my checks garnished, meaning it is no longer a private matter. But I have nothing in the bank, no savings, because I have been living paycheck to paycheck for the past eight months. So now this guy verbally assaults me, telling me how ignorant and irresponsible I am, how I probably suffer similar problems in my personal life... told that I should be responsible, take a payday loan out to pay them off, or get the money from my parents. First, isn't that what got me into this trouble in the first place, taking out a loan? How is that responsible? Second, it is my debt, not my parents. It doesn't help matters that my parents are both in debt too. They have their own concerns.

Up until this past summer, I was working an internship with US Steel, for two years. For those two years and then some, I'd been enrolled in a debt consolidation program, making payments, in a timely manner, up until I was assaulted in October of 2006. Even after the assault, I rarely fell behind, maybe two, three times at most. And those I caught up with. So really, to suggest that I did not want to honor my debt, to suggest that I was being irresponsible ... it was unfair. This guy was yelling at me, busy trying to make me angry and to break me in order to either get me into the courts and raped that way .. or to break me and deliver money sent from the gods.

Well, he broke me. Not that I have the money, but today I was paid. They agreed to take a large payment now.. enough that paying my rent AND having food is going to be difficult. I think I'll manage. But then they want a larger payment in February. And I am sorry, but a larger payment will not be possible.

It pisses me off, this inhumane treatment. Really, is that not inhumane? The concern is more about money than it is about a person being able to eat and keep a roof over their head.

The second thing that angers me was hearing that a friend of mine risks being deported back to Mexico. Yes, he was here illegaly. But so what? When did it become legal to require payment of thousands of dollars in order for a person to have a chance, at coming here? A remote chance, and there will be no guarantee, no refund.

How did this country, the US of A get it's start? From immigrants. These were people that were leaving behind their homeland, it's prejudices and hardships for the hardships of this country, but in order to make a better life, a better society. And you know what? We are telling those same sort of people now a big "FUCK YOU."

Is that not completely hypocritical? These are people that are willing and want to work hard in order to make a better life for themselves, for their family .. to put food on their table regularly .. and we say no. Why? Simple. Because we think we are better than them. We are being prejudiced, thinking that they are less than us because of their heritage, their skin color, their background, their language.. it's digusting. In the area I live, 70, 80, 90 years ago, you could walk into the mines and hear people speaking 20+ languages. They worked their asses off and made this life for our people today. But those sacrifices are being not only found unworthy, but contradicted.

Maybe, maybe these things will change. I have hope that they might. Obama being elected was a step in the right direction. It gives us all hope .. but now, we each need to be individually empowered to make corrections. To make life better, to make life more fair, more equal, more humane...

Community

How important is community to human beings? How important is it to belong? Being told over and over again that we are social, I would think they both are pretty damned important. How important however, is local community? What differences result from being a part of a local community versus a part of a global community?

I wonder this because in conversation this morning with my grandparents, we were discussing how the kids, and even older folk, rarely get out in the winter any more getting together to ice skate, cross country ski, or some other form of socializing. There really is such a huge disconnection between members of local communities. Most everyone lives in their own little world, which especially is connected through electronics. It is helped fueled by creating online communities, online social networks, like Facebook and MySpace. What is the result of this? Is it for the better? Is this part of human evolution on our way to a grander state of being? Will the transition be painful? Looking at the world around me, I have to believe it is...

Diversity

This topic has been floating around in my brain for months. I know I won't hit it exactly as I want - I am not that eloquent in expressing myself.

Biodiversity is a strong indicator of how the world is doing, naturally speaking. If areas of high biodiversity are suffering, then we are doing something wrong in this world that is causing areas that are very specifically evolved to suffer.

Can the same be said about humanity? The USA is one of the more highly diverse societies in the world. I am not saying that other cultures are highly accepted, but take a look at cities like New York City, Houston, Los Angeles ... they have tons of people of differing cultures. They are very diverse. This country has the potential to be great - but we do not accept our diversity or the strength in it. It was a country founded on freedom, but a country that currently only focuses on Christianity. That is a problem - what ever happened to a division between church and state? Who cares if God blesses us? That is not what this country is about. It is about freedom, which manifests itself as diversity.

We, like highly biodiverse countries, are a marker like the canary in the mine. If this country begins to suffer, if we are dying off, then the rest of the world will have problems. Why? Because we are the rest of the world, come to chase its dream. But have formed as a melting pot.

Melting pots heat up substances, seperating the waste from the good. Are we trying to prove that one religion, one race is the best? Or are we trying to prove the power that humanity as a whole, humanity working together has?

Chasing Elodie

This is ridiculous. A girl that I used to email many, many years ago, about ten years to be exact has been haunting my mind the past month or two. We were only friends, at best. Then her email address became unreachable. So ten years pass, and I never tried to get in touch.

All of a sudden this past month, I've sent out 50-75 messages on Facebook to all the women named Elodie. It's unfortunate that I am unable to hunt based on the location, which would be France, but c'est la vie. There also have been messages sent via other social networking websites ... maybe one of them will eventually find her. Or maybe this post will help!

So the big question is: why am I doing this? Am I really that desperately wanting some female companionship? It's probably no secret that I am desperately wanting female companionship. And certainly, this is half of the desire behind hunting for her - to just see what happens.

There is also a woman who invades my dreams, calling to me as my soul mate, my anam cara .. in that world, she is called Nikarik ... or that is as close as I can make out the name from the phonetics I know. She is dark haired, blue eyed, pale yet healthy skinned. Kind, compassionate, caring, not expecting anything of me but to love her. Supportive, and able to converse with me, which is difficult. hah!

Yes, she is a dream, literally. But figuratively as well. It keeps me going, thinking that I will not be alone in life. And in fact, in my mind, I am not alone. There is that special companion that makes me whole.

Does this make me crazy? Oh yes, without a doubt. But it's also how I manage through life, causing no harm to others.

We all kind of live in our own worlds, worlds that exist only in our minds. It is a great thing. This is how we deal with realities that can be extremely difficult to deal with, providing us with hope and vision. These worlds perhaps even develop into a goal for us, their development a desire we wish to accomplish, a piece of us we leave behind in a fleeting life. And none of that is bad, so long as we are harming nothing else ...

So, I will continue chasing my Elodie. Someday, perhaps I will find her, and will be the right man for her from the lessons learned during the chase.

Attention

Recently, I'm lying on my cot, listening to NPR and the story of the girls in Glocouster, Massachusets comes on the radio. This news has been airing like crazy all day. The news is crazy! High school girls, making a pact to get pregnant.

I haven't a clue what their story is, and will try not to make any further judgement on it. But all of us, I am sure, keep wondering what was going on in their heads. The news story on NPR mentions that none of the girls involved in the pact come from a family where they get much attention, where they have few restrictions. They made this pact in order to, in a sense, start their own family, on their own terms and their own plan. They will raise the children together.

Yesterday, I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Emma (I hope if her mother ever came across this, that it would not be taken wrong) while fishing off the dock at Miners' Lake in Ely, MN. She's a beautiful little girl full of curiousity, asking tons of questions and with the potential for a bright future. And she cracked me up. But also made me very sad at the same time. I don't know what life is like for her, but one thing was obvious: she craved attention. Many, many times I heard the question asked "Mommy, can I fish next to that man?" Why? Because I'd taken the opportunity to answer her questions while I landed my first rainbow trout ever caught, to allow her to look at the fish, touch the fish, and then ask questions. "What is this?" as she pointed towards a fin. "And this?" while pointing towards the dorsal fin. Later, questions arose about why the water made ripples, which led to tossing MANY stones into the lake. It was fun.

Attention is something we need. We do not live in this world alone. The animals around us provide examples of few, if any species that live in exclusive isolation. Social interaction is craved, and peer influence directs us with what we do in our life. More attention needs to be paid to the topic of attention. More of our time needs to be spent in our interactions with our fellow human beings, instead of wasting our time chasing after money.