It dawned on me last nite: for the past two and a half years, I've turned my brain off. Just numbed myself, or withdrawn, from nearly everything going on around me with exception of a few minor things.. that being eating/drinking, and attempting to pay my bills.
Life has been mechanical with the exception of the few times I was able to free myself from the prison I've placed myself in. Get up, out of bed (which is probably one of the hardest parts), attend school or work, come home, do very little until eventually I become so tired that I cannot keep my eyes open. Yes, I have read a fair bit, especially deeper, more spiritual text. And yes, the past two years I've probably been on a more regimented cycle of exercise then ever before. But again, much of it was mechanical.
Ask me what I've read ... it's difficult to tell you. Ask me what happened on a day to day basis ... I cannot tell you. Ask me even what friends said about this or that... I've tuned most all of it out.
Why? For certain it was triggered from the assault I suffered. Maybe the emotional pain, the not understanding of why, was so bad that I have given up.. but I refuse that. Maybe I have given up for awhile. But the pain of not truly living is far worse.
And I hate not living, I hate being a machine. The machine I see clearly now. It is more than anything encouraged by this society. Employers have loved me, not asking questions, just doing, just accomplishing things and making them money. But the people closest, my family and friends (what friends I have) ... they are concerned. Perhaps they think I do not see it, but as much as I try to tune out, many things still come across. The spirit is strong and provides a way to communicate when neither words nor actions are capable of reaching..
I have much work to do.. but thank you, MartÃn Prechtel, Immortal Technique, Saul Williams... the spirit reached me. The brain is turning back on.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
A bit of bitching
It's rare I bother to bitch about things, especially of late. We all have problems and they are becoming more and more prevalent. You turn on the news and are bombarded by problems. Drama comes at us from every angle.
But sometimes, you just get terribly angry and the emotion just consumes you. And so, it must be released. I know the likelihood of anyone reading this is nil, but this way at least it has been released from my head and into a bunch of digital bits.
So here it is: First, I have admittedly been fiscally irresponsible. The debt I accrued is mine, and mine alone to pay off. And it is my desire to be honorable. On the same token, I hate to be made a slave of, to be expected to not eat and not take care of myself as that debt is paid off. Unfortunately, that is precisely what the collectors expect of me.
Thursday nite, January 29th, I was terribly insulted by the manager of a debt collection agency working for Bank of America. I owe them a lot of money. I haven't paid anything on it in six months. It is certainly my intention to do so, but when I was working only part time while driving 100 miles a day, how am I expected to make payments? Especially while I have car payments. At that time, my car was much more a priority than the other debts.
So now it is six months later. The economy is crashing, the corporate loving Bush Administration is gone, and these guys are fearful I will never pay them back. So, they pull all their cards. Now, if I do not pay them off, in full, by the end of the month (and bare in the mind, this is January 29th) then I will be taken to court. The courts will likely favor them, as admittedly I do owe them money. My car will likely be taken away AND my checks garnished, meaning it is no longer a private matter. But I have nothing in the bank, no savings, because I have been living paycheck to paycheck for the past eight months. So now this guy verbally assaults me, telling me how ignorant and irresponsible I am, how I probably suffer similar problems in my personal life... told that I should be responsible, take a payday loan out to pay them off, or get the money from my parents. First, isn't that what got me into this trouble in the first place, taking out a loan? How is that responsible? Second, it is my debt, not my parents. It doesn't help matters that my parents are both in debt too. They have their own concerns.
Up until this past summer, I was working an internship with US Steel, for two years. For those two years and then some, I'd been enrolled in a debt consolidation program, making payments, in a timely manner, up until I was assaulted in October of 2006. Even after the assault, I rarely fell behind, maybe two, three times at most. And those I caught up with. So really, to suggest that I did not want to honor my debt, to suggest that I was being irresponsible ... it was unfair. This guy was yelling at me, busy trying to make me angry and to break me in order to either get me into the courts and raped that way .. or to break me and deliver money sent from the gods.
Well, he broke me. Not that I have the money, but today I was paid. They agreed to take a large payment now.. enough that paying my rent AND having food is going to be difficult. I think I'll manage. But then they want a larger payment in February. And I am sorry, but a larger payment will not be possible.
It pisses me off, this inhumane treatment. Really, is that not inhumane? The concern is more about money than it is about a person being able to eat and keep a roof over their head.
The second thing that angers me was hearing that a friend of mine risks being deported back to Mexico. Yes, he was here illegaly. But so what? When did it become legal to require payment of thousands of dollars in order for a person to have a chance, at coming here? A remote chance, and there will be no guarantee, no refund.
How did this country, the US of A get it's start? From immigrants. These were people that were leaving behind their homeland, it's prejudices and hardships for the hardships of this country, but in order to make a better life, a better society. And you know what? We are telling those same sort of people now a big "FUCK YOU."
Is that not completely hypocritical? These are people that are willing and want to work hard in order to make a better life for themselves, for their family .. to put food on their table regularly .. and we say no. Why? Simple. Because we think we are better than them. We are being prejudiced, thinking that they are less than us because of their heritage, their skin color, their background, their language.. it's digusting. In the area I live, 70, 80, 90 years ago, you could walk into the mines and hear people speaking 20+ languages. They worked their asses off and made this life for our people today. But those sacrifices are being not only found unworthy, but contradicted.
Maybe, maybe these things will change. I have hope that they might. Obama being elected was a step in the right direction. It gives us all hope .. but now, we each need to be individually empowered to make corrections. To make life better, to make life more fair, more equal, more humane...
But sometimes, you just get terribly angry and the emotion just consumes you. And so, it must be released. I know the likelihood of anyone reading this is nil, but this way at least it has been released from my head and into a bunch of digital bits.
So here it is: First, I have admittedly been fiscally irresponsible. The debt I accrued is mine, and mine alone to pay off. And it is my desire to be honorable. On the same token, I hate to be made a slave of, to be expected to not eat and not take care of myself as that debt is paid off. Unfortunately, that is precisely what the collectors expect of me.
Thursday nite, January 29th, I was terribly insulted by the manager of a debt collection agency working for Bank of America. I owe them a lot of money. I haven't paid anything on it in six months. It is certainly my intention to do so, but when I was working only part time while driving 100 miles a day, how am I expected to make payments? Especially while I have car payments. At that time, my car was much more a priority than the other debts.
So now it is six months later. The economy is crashing, the corporate loving Bush Administration is gone, and these guys are fearful I will never pay them back. So, they pull all their cards. Now, if I do not pay them off, in full, by the end of the month (and bare in the mind, this is January 29th) then I will be taken to court. The courts will likely favor them, as admittedly I do owe them money. My car will likely be taken away AND my checks garnished, meaning it is no longer a private matter. But I have nothing in the bank, no savings, because I have been living paycheck to paycheck for the past eight months. So now this guy verbally assaults me, telling me how ignorant and irresponsible I am, how I probably suffer similar problems in my personal life... told that I should be responsible, take a payday loan out to pay them off, or get the money from my parents. First, isn't that what got me into this trouble in the first place, taking out a loan? How is that responsible? Second, it is my debt, not my parents. It doesn't help matters that my parents are both in debt too. They have their own concerns.
Up until this past summer, I was working an internship with US Steel, for two years. For those two years and then some, I'd been enrolled in a debt consolidation program, making payments, in a timely manner, up until I was assaulted in October of 2006. Even after the assault, I rarely fell behind, maybe two, three times at most. And those I caught up with. So really, to suggest that I did not want to honor my debt, to suggest that I was being irresponsible ... it was unfair. This guy was yelling at me, busy trying to make me angry and to break me in order to either get me into the courts and raped that way .. or to break me and deliver money sent from the gods.
Well, he broke me. Not that I have the money, but today I was paid. They agreed to take a large payment now.. enough that paying my rent AND having food is going to be difficult. I think I'll manage. But then they want a larger payment in February. And I am sorry, but a larger payment will not be possible.
It pisses me off, this inhumane treatment. Really, is that not inhumane? The concern is more about money than it is about a person being able to eat and keep a roof over their head.
The second thing that angers me was hearing that a friend of mine risks being deported back to Mexico. Yes, he was here illegaly. But so what? When did it become legal to require payment of thousands of dollars in order for a person to have a chance, at coming here? A remote chance, and there will be no guarantee, no refund.
How did this country, the US of A get it's start? From immigrants. These were people that were leaving behind their homeland, it's prejudices and hardships for the hardships of this country, but in order to make a better life, a better society. And you know what? We are telling those same sort of people now a big "FUCK YOU."
Is that not completely hypocritical? These are people that are willing and want to work hard in order to make a better life for themselves, for their family .. to put food on their table regularly .. and we say no. Why? Simple. Because we think we are better than them. We are being prejudiced, thinking that they are less than us because of their heritage, their skin color, their background, their language.. it's digusting. In the area I live, 70, 80, 90 years ago, you could walk into the mines and hear people speaking 20+ languages. They worked their asses off and made this life for our people today. But those sacrifices are being not only found unworthy, but contradicted.
Maybe, maybe these things will change. I have hope that they might. Obama being elected was a step in the right direction. It gives us all hope .. but now, we each need to be individually empowered to make corrections. To make life better, to make life more fair, more equal, more humane...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Community
How important is community to human beings? How important is it to belong? Being told over and over again that we are social, I would think they both are pretty damned important. How important however, is local community? What differences result from being a part of a local community versus a part of a global community?
I wonder this because in conversation this morning with my grandparents, we were discussing how the kids, and even older folk, rarely get out in the winter any more getting together to ice skate, cross country ski, or some other form of socializing. There really is such a huge disconnection between members of local communities. Most everyone lives in their own little world, which especially is connected through electronics. It is helped fueled by creating online communities, online social networks, like Facebook and MySpace. What is the result of this? Is it for the better? Is this part of human evolution on our way to a grander state of being? Will the transition be painful? Looking at the world around me, I have to believe it is...
I wonder this because in conversation this morning with my grandparents, we were discussing how the kids, and even older folk, rarely get out in the winter any more getting together to ice skate, cross country ski, or some other form of socializing. There really is such a huge disconnection between members of local communities. Most everyone lives in their own little world, which especially is connected through electronics. It is helped fueled by creating online communities, online social networks, like Facebook and MySpace. What is the result of this? Is it for the better? Is this part of human evolution on our way to a grander state of being? Will the transition be painful? Looking at the world around me, I have to believe it is...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Diversity
This topic has been floating around in my brain for months. I know I won't hit it exactly as I want - I am not that eloquent in expressing myself.
Biodiversity is a strong indicator of how the world is doing, naturally speaking. If areas of high biodiversity are suffering, then we are doing something wrong in this world that is causing areas that are very specifically evolved to suffer.
Can the same be said about humanity? The USA is one of the more highly diverse societies in the world. I am not saying that other cultures are highly accepted, but take a look at cities like New York City, Houston, Los Angeles ... they have tons of people of differing cultures. They are very diverse. This country has the potential to be great - but we do not accept our diversity or the strength in it. It was a country founded on freedom, but a country that currently only focuses on Christianity. That is a problem - what ever happened to a division between church and state? Who cares if God blesses us? That is not what this country is about. It is about freedom, which manifests itself as diversity.
We, like highly biodiverse countries, are a marker like the canary in the mine. If this country begins to suffer, if we are dying off, then the rest of the world will have problems. Why? Because we are the rest of the world, come to chase its dream. But have formed as a melting pot.
Melting pots heat up substances, seperating the waste from the good. Are we trying to prove that one religion, one race is the best? Or are we trying to prove the power that humanity as a whole, humanity working together has?
Biodiversity is a strong indicator of how the world is doing, naturally speaking. If areas of high biodiversity are suffering, then we are doing something wrong in this world that is causing areas that are very specifically evolved to suffer.
Can the same be said about humanity? The USA is one of the more highly diverse societies in the world. I am not saying that other cultures are highly accepted, but take a look at cities like New York City, Houston, Los Angeles ... they have tons of people of differing cultures. They are very diverse. This country has the potential to be great - but we do not accept our diversity or the strength in it. It was a country founded on freedom, but a country that currently only focuses on Christianity. That is a problem - what ever happened to a division between church and state? Who cares if God blesses us? That is not what this country is about. It is about freedom, which manifests itself as diversity.
We, like highly biodiverse countries, are a marker like the canary in the mine. If this country begins to suffer, if we are dying off, then the rest of the world will have problems. Why? Because we are the rest of the world, come to chase its dream. But have formed as a melting pot.
Melting pots heat up substances, seperating the waste from the good. Are we trying to prove that one religion, one race is the best? Or are we trying to prove the power that humanity as a whole, humanity working together has?
Monday, September 1, 2008
Chasing Elodie
This is ridiculous. A girl that I used to email many, many years ago, about ten years to be exact has been haunting my mind the past month or two. We were only friends, at best. Then her email address became unreachable. So ten years pass, and I never tried to get in touch.
All of a sudden this past month, I've sent out 50-75 messages on Facebook to all the women named Elodie. It's unfortunate that I am unable to hunt based on the location, which would be France, but c'est la vie. There also have been messages sent via other social networking websites ... maybe one of them will eventually find her. Or maybe this post will help!
So the big question is: why am I doing this? Am I really that desperately wanting some female companionship? It's probably no secret that I am desperately wanting female companionship. And certainly, this is half of the desire behind hunting for her - to just see what happens.
There is also a woman who invades my dreams, calling to me as my soul mate, my anam cara .. in that world, she is called Nikarik ... or that is as close as I can make out the name from the phonetics I know. She is dark haired, blue eyed, pale yet healthy skinned. Kind, compassionate, caring, not expecting anything of me but to love her. Supportive, and able to converse with me, which is difficult. hah!
Yes, she is a dream, literally. But figuratively as well. It keeps me going, thinking that I will not be alone in life. And in fact, in my mind, I am not alone. There is that special companion that makes me whole.
Does this make me crazy? Oh yes, without a doubt. But it's also how I manage through life, causing no harm to others.
We all kind of live in our own worlds, worlds that exist only in our minds. It is a great thing. This is how we deal with realities that can be extremely difficult to deal with, providing us with hope and vision. These worlds perhaps even develop into a goal for us, their development a desire we wish to accomplish, a piece of us we leave behind in a fleeting life. And none of that is bad, so long as we are harming nothing else ...
So, I will continue chasing my Elodie. Someday, perhaps I will find her, and will be the right man for her from the lessons learned during the chase.
All of a sudden this past month, I've sent out 50-75 messages on Facebook to all the women named Elodie. It's unfortunate that I am unable to hunt based on the location, which would be France, but c'est la vie. There also have been messages sent via other social networking websites ... maybe one of them will eventually find her. Or maybe this post will help!
So the big question is: why am I doing this? Am I really that desperately wanting some female companionship? It's probably no secret that I am desperately wanting female companionship. And certainly, this is half of the desire behind hunting for her - to just see what happens.
There is also a woman who invades my dreams, calling to me as my soul mate, my anam cara .. in that world, she is called Nikarik ... or that is as close as I can make out the name from the phonetics I know. She is dark haired, blue eyed, pale yet healthy skinned. Kind, compassionate, caring, not expecting anything of me but to love her. Supportive, and able to converse with me, which is difficult. hah!
Yes, she is a dream, literally. But figuratively as well. It keeps me going, thinking that I will not be alone in life. And in fact, in my mind, I am not alone. There is that special companion that makes me whole.
Does this make me crazy? Oh yes, without a doubt. But it's also how I manage through life, causing no harm to others.
We all kind of live in our own worlds, worlds that exist only in our minds. It is a great thing. This is how we deal with realities that can be extremely difficult to deal with, providing us with hope and vision. These worlds perhaps even develop into a goal for us, their development a desire we wish to accomplish, a piece of us we leave behind in a fleeting life. And none of that is bad, so long as we are harming nothing else ...
So, I will continue chasing my Elodie. Someday, perhaps I will find her, and will be the right man for her from the lessons learned during the chase.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Attention
Recently, I'm lying on my cot, listening to NPR and the story of the girls in Glocouster, Massachusets comes on the radio. This news has been airing like crazy all day. The news is crazy! High school girls, making a pact to get pregnant.
I haven't a clue what their story is, and will try not to make any further judgement on it. But all of us, I am sure, keep wondering what was going on in their heads. The news story on NPR mentions that none of the girls involved in the pact come from a family where they get much attention, where they have few restrictions. They made this pact in order to, in a sense, start their own family, on their own terms and their own plan. They will raise the children together.
Yesterday, I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Emma (I hope if her mother ever came across this, that it would not be taken wrong) while fishing off the dock at Miners' Lake in Ely, MN. She's a beautiful little girl full of curiousity, asking tons of questions and with the potential for a bright future. And she cracked me up. But also made me very sad at the same time. I don't know what life is like for her, but one thing was obvious: she craved attention. Many, many times I heard the question asked "Mommy, can I fish next to that man?" Why? Because I'd taken the opportunity to answer her questions while I landed my first rainbow trout ever caught, to allow her to look at the fish, touch the fish, and then ask questions. "What is this?" as she pointed towards a fin. "And this?" while pointing towards the dorsal fin. Later, questions arose about why the water made ripples, which led to tossing MANY stones into the lake. It was fun.
Attention is something we need. We do not live in this world alone. The animals around us provide examples of few, if any species that live in exclusive isolation. Social interaction is craved, and peer influence directs us with what we do in our life. More attention needs to be paid to the topic of attention. More of our time needs to be spent in our interactions with our fellow human beings, instead of wasting our time chasing after money.
I haven't a clue what their story is, and will try not to make any further judgement on it. But all of us, I am sure, keep wondering what was going on in their heads. The news story on NPR mentions that none of the girls involved in the pact come from a family where they get much attention, where they have few restrictions. They made this pact in order to, in a sense, start their own family, on their own terms and their own plan. They will raise the children together.
Yesterday, I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Emma (I hope if her mother ever came across this, that it would not be taken wrong) while fishing off the dock at Miners' Lake in Ely, MN. She's a beautiful little girl full of curiousity, asking tons of questions and with the potential for a bright future. And she cracked me up. But also made me very sad at the same time. I don't know what life is like for her, but one thing was obvious: she craved attention. Many, many times I heard the question asked "Mommy, can I fish next to that man?" Why? Because I'd taken the opportunity to answer her questions while I landed my first rainbow trout ever caught, to allow her to look at the fish, touch the fish, and then ask questions. "What is this?" as she pointed towards a fin. "And this?" while pointing towards the dorsal fin. Later, questions arose about why the water made ripples, which led to tossing MANY stones into the lake. It was fun.
Attention is something we need. We do not live in this world alone. The animals around us provide examples of few, if any species that live in exclusive isolation. Social interaction is craved, and peer influence directs us with what we do in our life. More attention needs to be paid to the topic of attention. More of our time needs to be spent in our interactions with our fellow human beings, instead of wasting our time chasing after money.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Seeing the truth, through the night
When I'm outside talking a walk at nite, which happens often while at my grandparents, an intriguing thought has come to mind: that through the darkness, you actually are looking at the truth. What does this mean? Well, to each of us, I welcome it to mean something different. When I look around me, in the darkness, my mind opens up. There are trees, but the trees are something more. They become walls, they become light and dark, they are tall and strong. With the wind creeping through them, they become alive, capable of making sounds as they move, squeak squeak squeak as branch rubs against branch, or the rustle of their leaves. They become so simple, yet so complex. Just as everything around us is.
What the nite does is open us to simplicity. During the day, it is hard not to be aware only of it's physical appearance. During the nite, our other senses are opened to receive everything. And this, to me, is the truth. Not just focusing on the good or the bad, but on every aspect of life's complexity. Focusing on them each individually, yet together. Yes, these sounds like complete contradictions, yet look closer; they're not.
What the nite does is open us to simplicity. During the day, it is hard not to be aware only of it's physical appearance. During the nite, our other senses are opened to receive everything. And this, to me, is the truth. Not just focusing on the good or the bad, but on every aspect of life's complexity. Focusing on them each individually, yet together. Yes, these sounds like complete contradictions, yet look closer; they're not.
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