Turning off the brain..

It dawned on me last nite: for the past two and a half years, I've turned my brain off. Just numbed myself, or withdrawn, from nearly everything going on around me with exception of a few minor things.. that being eating/drinking, and attempting to pay my bills.

Life has been mechanical with the exception of the few times I was able to free myself from the prison I've placed myself in. Get up, out of bed (which is probably one of the hardest parts), attend school or work, come home, do very little until eventually I become so tired that I cannot keep my eyes open. Yes, I have read a fair bit, especially deeper, more spiritual text. And yes, the past two years I've probably been on a more regimented cycle of exercise then ever before. But again, much of it was mechanical.

Ask me what I've read ... it's difficult to tell you. Ask me what happened on a day to day basis ... I cannot tell you. Ask me even what friends said about this or that... I've tuned most all of it out.

Why? For certain it was triggered from the assault I suffered. Maybe the emotional pain, the not understanding of why, was so bad that I have given up.. but I refuse that. Maybe I have given up for awhile. But the pain of not truly living is far worse.

And I hate not living, I hate being a machine. The machine I see clearly now. It is more than anything encouraged by this society. Employers have loved me, not asking questions, just doing, just accomplishing things and making them money. But the people closest, my family and friends (what friends I have) ... they are concerned. Perhaps they think I do not see it, but as much as I try to tune out, many things still come across. The spirit is strong and provides a way to communicate when neither words nor actions are capable of reaching..

I have much work to do.. but thank you, Martín Prechtel, Immortal Technique, Saul Williams... the spirit reached me. The brain is turning back on.